The Life List of

The Life List of

Greg Hassel

(in no particular order)

Beat Nyack, or at the very least play them again.

Beat Rye, which I can embarrassingly say I have not done, or again, at least play them one more time.
Win a State Championship in Football.

Make it back to the Carrier Dome for the Indoor State Championships in track and field, and win.

Qualify for Indoor and Outdoor Nationals in track and field.
Qualify for the Outdoor State Championships in track and field.

Attain a scholarship for track and field to any college.

  Break every Harrison track record for my respective events, individual and relay.
Have an overall average over 75 for AP Calculus AB by the end of the year.

Get at least 3’s on all my AP’s.

Get into a school ranked higher nationally then either my sister or brother, since they think they are smarter then me.

Have at least a 3.5 GPA in college.

Get a tattoo, with my father knowing, and accepting it.
Becoming the news writer for the New York Mets, which entails flying to all their games and writing about every game, getting to know the players, etc.
Win a spot in the World Series of Poker.
Beat Ken Jennings in a game of Jeopardy, or just box him.
Become a character or character’s voice on the TV show South Park.
  Buy a waterbed.
Own a movie theater, pool and foosball tables, and an Olympic sized pool in my beautiful house, somewhere here in New York. 

Become married and have 2 kids, a boy and girl, providing them the best I can.

  Run and place anywhere in the Olympics, and stand crying on the podium
  Take a picture of every Welcome to ________ for all 50 states.

Have sex on some beautiful, foreign beach, with the sun setting in the background.

  Become a part of a Barbershop Quartette.

Learn how to play the piano, violin, harmonica, and banjo.


Wherever I end up living, making sure the church’s choir is an African-American, soul group.


Witness the Mets winning a World Championship, and being at the game.

  When I have kids, actually dress up as Santa Claus and go down the chimney, kids watching, so they think there is such a thing as Santa.
  Although impossible to control, have my parents live to about 100 years old, because I want my kids to have awesome grandparents like mine.
  Own and operate a theme park.
  Create my own golf course, and have the US Open or Masters played on it.

Play a round of golf with Tiger Woods.

  Have a shoe created in my name, probably a type of track flat.
  Watch the ball drop in New York City on New Year’s Eve.

Live until I’m 100 years so I can get a letter from the president.  As long as I’m healthy and kicking, I’ll even go longer.

  Maintain or obtain, depending on how one looks at it, a good physique.  Not that being fat is a bad thing.
  Making the cook from Sherwood’s become my professional cook, making me ribs on command.

Stealing the fountain soda machine from the University of Rhode Island, because it has quite possibly the greatest fountain soda ever.

  Buy a sweet-ass grill, because I want to be a grill master, when my personal cook is on vacation.
  Appear on an episode of WildBoyz or Jackass
  Bowl over a 200.
  Have one of those fountain things on my toilet, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, just think about what a fountain could do under your butt.
  Meet Napoleon Dynamite and the cast from the movie.
  Shoot under an 80 in golf, and play on one of the major championship courses.

Create a track and field video game, since there aren’t any, and have my name and picture be the staple of the cover, made by EA Sports.


Fly in a hot-air balloon.

  Own my own private jet, because that would just be awesome to fly anywhere on command.

Bungee jump.


Start eating and enjoying vegetables.

  Meet Will Ferrell, have him come back to Saturday Night Live, and do a skit with him.
  Be a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman.
  Have an unlimited amount of money to Abercrombie, or be a model for them, and getting free stuff.
  Create my own CD, probably soul or gospel, possibly with my Barbershop Quartette.

Visit a foreign country that’s sweet and I wont get killed and that I can sit on the beach and party for weeks on end.

  Just thought of Rye again, and I would love to get into a rumble with kids from there, with a select few friends, hand-picked by me, the burn all the Birkenstocks in the area.
  Sleep for a day straight without being interrupted.
  Learn how to ski.

Learn how to dance, not just regular dancing, but different types as well.

  Have a driving range put into my backyard.
  Own an unlimited supply of Pillsbury Cinnabuns and/or Stovetop stuffing.

Have a hot chocolate machine, probably in my bathroom, good for those cold winter mornings.

  Compete as a part of a bobsled team, preferably a Jamaican one, because I loved Cool Runnings the movie.
  Dunk a basketball, even though I don’t plan on playing basketball at a high level, because I hate it.

Hit a homerun into McCovey Cove in San Francisco.

  Score a touchdown at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California.
  Get my car tricked out on Pimp My Ride the TV show.
  Win a Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

Introduce a bill to congress and have it approved.

  Make a go-cart and have it street legal to ride around town.

Have an E! True Hollywood Story or MTV Diary done on me.

  Be a guest on the Howard Stern Show.

Learn how to curl, and then participate.


Be a WWF, or whatever they call it now, WWE champion for about a week, and then retire, or wrestling in Wrestlemania.

  Competing in American Gladiators.