The Life List of

The Life List of

Alice Fitzgerald


1.       Settle any existential anxiety I feel towards death

2.       Write and direct a movie based on some of my strange life experiences

3.       Make enough money to buy nice things for my parents and family

4.       Adopt at least 2 kids from a third world country

5.       Work in Disneyworld as a performer of some sort

6.       Write and record the soundtrack to said movie

7.       Become a registered NRA member

8.       Vote for the first female president

9.       Live to see gay marriage and the legalization of marijuana

10.   In case of tea party taking over the white house- move and start a new life in Canada

11.   Become more successful than my peers

12.   Get married.

13.   Never, ever, ever get divorced.

14.   Move to the south and spend the remainder of my days shooting alligators on my porch from my house on the Mississippi river

15.   Be a successful parent.

16.   Always be surrounded by people who love me

17.   Stop spending the little time I have with people who don’t care whether or not I exist( get out of high school)

18.   Get really rich and randomly tip a waitress with 1,000 dollars-or something like that.

19.   Start my own charity for adults with special needs

20.   Adopt a child with Down syndrome.

21.   Work with children with special needs as a teacher or nurse or anything like that.

22.   Live in New York City for at least 5 years, San Diego for at least 3 years, and Paris, anywhere in the south of France, or Germany for at least 10.

23.   Be happy with my life throughout its entirety.

24.   Look back on my entire life right before I die and feel pride.

25.   Feel good about myself

26.   Meet Dave Chappelle and ask him why he ended his show.

27.   Meet Jack Black and ask him why he started making bad movies lately.

28.   Meet Sarah Palin and just ask her- why?

29.   Leave a bag of steaming dog poo on Michael Vicks porch

30.   Be happy.